A place for poetry

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Loveable again

Psalm 36:7

How priceless is you unfailing love, O God!
Both high and low among men find refuge in
the shadow of your wings.

After reading the previous book...this was my conclusion about the importance of the love of God. Not that I even fully get it....but I see how priceless it would have been for this girl...

And as far as how would one love ones self after a lifetime of degredation? ....the only way I see would be...being made new in Christ. He brings life where there was death...beauty where there were ashes...healing where there was sickness...light where there was dark....freedom where there was slavery... It seems he is in the business of making things new...and loveable again.

Quotes from "The Loose girl" - a memoir of promiscuity

This is a real life expereince. It is written by a girl, who from age 11 began experimenting sexually and desperately searching for love and attention. Her parents were divorced, and from my perspective......did little to help her grow into a woman of security (christian or not). She speaks nothing of God or of knowing his love. She embarqs on a long journey of sexual enounter after another. This has been probably the most exhausting experience I've ever read about. I wanted to scream....."If you sleep with one more person I am going to vommit!!!" I dont even have children or know what it is like to be a mother...but I found myself over and over wishing I could crawl onto the pages of her life and comfort her, to speak loving words to her and give her hope.
I know this is about someone's life and I know life experiences can help other people, but I can't recomend this book because there was just a lot of very descriptive scenes I found myself having to skip over. I definately do not feel the average teen girl should read this.... But, that is my personal opinion.

I cant wait to get into God's word and see what He will teach me about regarding the things I came upon in this book. But for now here are some quotes so you can get an idea of the heart of this girl.



page 41' "Look", I say, "We fooled around a little bit. It's not a big deal." She shakes her head. "Fine" she says, "Relax, I really dont care anyway." She turns away. "Peter Raffertys a big slut. It's not like you are going to be his girlfriend now anyway."
"I know", I say, but inside I cringe because, of course, like an idiot, that is exactly what I had been hoping for.
When we get home, I go to the bathroom and see two hickeys Peter left on my neck. I touch them, wishing I could keep them there, proof he wanted me even for a few minutes. But, by the time Monday comes, they are mostly faded. I see him only once that week. He walks right by me with a small group of his friends. He doesn't even say hello.


page 60' On nights when nothing is going on I fool around with Greg.......In general though I feel bored. At the time I don't know what it is. I feel itchy, expectant, like I'm in a permanent state of waiting. When Greg and I kiss and ............I feel empty and frustrated. I want something else, something more. And because I cant identify it, I decide I want to lose my virginity.



page 63' Having sex is something lukewarm, something you share for an evening. It's friendship building. What else should it be?



page 79 ' I am mad at myself, that I do these things and then pretend I don't. I spend half of my life lying about who I am and what I want. I don't even know who I am most of the time.



page 84' I wait another second, but he doesn't say anything else.

For a brief moment, I see myself as though from a distance: my wrinkled clothes, my mussed hair, mascara smeared beneath my eyes, waiting for something from this boy who is done with me. I am pitiful, wretched even. I need to end this for myself. But in the same instant, the vision is gone. I wonder now if I had been able to maintain that perspective for maybe a few moments longer, perhaps I wouldn't have kept going down this path. Perhaps this would have been the turning point, the place where I learned my lesson and found a way to love myself. But my desperation was too strong. It was like a tidal wave, pulling me deeper into its current. And the rest of me was not strong enough to fight it.



page 92' I wondered, for instance, why almost everyone other than me seemed to be able to have relationships. I could have sex. Oh, yes. But I could not keep a boys attention beyond that. Thinking about this opened up a deep hole in my chest, one that seemed to have no bottom. The only answer I could come up with was that I, unlike these other girls, was simply not lovable.



page 95' There are no boys. And when there are no boys, I get anxious and bored, like I am waiting for my life to begin.



page 105' When I tell Zoe this later, she laughs. "You weren't betrayed", she says. "He made it clear to you that he wasn't going to give you anything more when he dissed you the first night"

page 109' It is between Will and me, our secret. His secret desire for me. I like that. And something else. Something I am less eager to admit. Jenifer, for all her perfection, is not enough for him. But maybe I could be.

page 155' I still experience myself like I did in high school. Without a man loving me, I feel like I don't exist.

page 203' The gist is when you can love yourself entirely. only then can others love you too. Duh, any moron knows that. But how do you love yourself after a lifetime of self-degradation and effacement? That would be a book worth reading.

The Loose Girl - a memoir of promiscuity

Hanging out with some girlfriends the other night in Barnes & Noble. We had decided to do a book club (which shall be kinda funny....I don't think any of us read much!). So we are browsing up and down the isles trying to find something we can all agree on and that would be interesting to talk about. We have looked through every isle...Classics, Mystery, Fiction, Romance, Christian Literature....and I believe by this time we have been there over an hour. Almost about to give up we head over to the Best Sellers for Teens. In the stacks of books we come across a book called "The Loose Girl - a memoir of promiscuity", a true story written for teen girls. Of course being women, we are all intrigued....... So it was decided, this would be a very interesting book to discuss and it looked like an easy read. I have no idea what this book will have to tell teens about Promiscuity, but I am curious. I am not recommending this book, because I have not read it yet. I do not believe it is from a christian perspective. I am actually thinking about venturing out to read this book and then afterwards do a study in the Bible on promiscuity and post my findings in this blog, blooming-grace. One thing I do feel is that a lot of women, christian women, struggle with promiscuity or sexual sin like an addiction.....longing for attention...to be wanted...and even for excitement.....and sex is where they find it. I also believe that God longs for them to have their delight and excitement in Him and that He has so much grace, purity, and forgiveness to clothe them in. I believe He wants their hearts to be set free from their bondage and overflowing with His life.
This book is supposed to be about how this girl, Kerry Cohen overcomes promiscuity on her own. I guess I'm curious to see how her heart comes out on the other end of it...especially if God is not involved. I'm very excited too, to see What God has to say about the things she is saying she has learned and is teaching teen girls. So let the journey begin! I will be getting back to you soon:)

~myself~

Coming Home

All the blessings of my father, did He give to me
In his house I dwelled with him, His blessings flow so free

Independence from His home, this is what I sought
On my own had to try, this is what I thought

I consumed and squandered all his wealth
All in all to please myself

Covered in filth and nothing to eat
Dirty and sore these throbbing feet

Independent, yes was I
But oh my soul so thirsty and dry

All those servants my father had
Even they weren't this sad

If I could just go back home
Oh better to be a servant he owns

I headed home down that old dirt road
On my heart was such a heavy load

I saw my Father on that hill
All I could do was stand there still

His face it glowed with surprise and glee
He never ran so fast to me

My heart it started to beat so fast
Oh Lord, I'm home at last!

Before I could even speak
Robes and Rings my father seeked

He dressed me in his finest things
Over me his voice it sings

All I could think of was the past
Of everything I deserved, this was last

Dad, Dad I've done nothing for you
Oh Dad I turned away from you

Child, Child you are home
You mean more than anything I own

He kissed my face then started to dance
We must celebrate while we've got this chance!

My child is alive, He is not dead!
Was lost, now He's found ...that's what he said!


Here is the parable Jesus told that I wrote this poem about. This is about the first brother. Honestly I feel like this parable speaks volumes about my relationship with God! In the past couple years...my heart has gotten very hard towards God...because of life and just my own prideful Indecence from Him. I really didn't think God could soften my heart again, but He has and it just amazes me! How amazing to know....when we come home to Him ...that He rejoices the way He does..even when we haven't done one single thing to deserve it. His mercy and grace are so amazing:)

New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica
Luke 15 (New International Version)
Luke 15
.The Parable of the Lost Son

11Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. 12The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.
13"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20So he got up and went to his father. "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.[b]'
22"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.
25"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'
28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "
Footnotes:

My messy heart!

This has potential to be an extremely scatterbrained, all over the place, messy post! I have just come inside from doing my bible study. I have just started a bible study called "Stepping up" about the Psalms of Ascent (Songs that people sang on their way to the temple to meet with God, and also when they were freed from captivity to another people). It is Psalms 120-134 I believe. Anyways I bought a book years ago called "Reflections on the Psalms" by C.S. Lewis....I got it for super cheap on Amazon but I have just never happened to read it but I thought it would go perfect with the study I'm doing..........and as I just finished reading the 2nd chapter...I know that God meant it for me...tonight. It has absolutely blown my mind!
The book is composed of different chapters...each one talks about the themes of the Psalms such as the judgement of God, cursings, the beauty of God...things like that. I just read the chapter on "Cursings". I can honestly say.....I've never read anything like this chapter before in any book anywhere..... (I am interjecting this after finishing the book. One thing to be careful of with this book is that there are some times in his writing that he says things about the Bible as if it were incorrect or not all God's word, but he says it in a very "smart" way...so it would be easy to skip over and take this as truth and IT IS NOT. So all that to say, I got a lot from that one chapter...but the rest of the book honestly didn't live up to me.)
Some of the Psalms are written in a very vengeful tone, people who have been oppressed, held down, hurt, looked over and are angry! They heap horrible coursing's on their enemies for sinning against them and God. I've never really noticed it before.... Here is one example they cursed their enemy with.
Psalm 109:10 May his children be wandering beggars, may they be driven from their ruined homes. (the whole chapter is full of this kind of talk) They were hurt and wronged and they were bitter towards their enemy!

Check out some of these quotes from "Reflections on the Psalms"

"For here one saw a feeling we all know only too well, Resentment, expressing itself with perfect freedom, without disguise, without self consciousness, without shame-" C.S. Lewis

"It seemed to me that, seeing in them hatred undisguised, I saw also the natural result of injuring a human being." C.S. Lewis

"But just as the natural result of throwing a lighted match into a pile of shavings is to produce a fire-through damp or the intervention of some more sensible person may prevent it- so the natural result of cheating a man, or "keeping him down" or neglecting him, is to arouse resentment; that is to impose upon him the temptation of becoming what the Psalmist were when they wrote the vindictive passages." C.S. Lewis

I am absolutely getting somewhere with this! Have you ever been wronged? Have you ever been hurt, felt resentment or bitterness?

It is like throughout some of the Psalms there is a painted picture of what happens in a mans heart who is wronged.

As a Christian though...we all know Jesus died and forgave us all of our sin....He wiped away all our debt to him, how can we not forgive others?

For some reason...I have had this notion that when someone has hurt me in the past...wronged me....that once I forgave them....really forgave them, that I should be healed....completely free of bitterness or any hurt. There are whole classes based around being healed from these past hurts....(Don't hear me wrong...I know that God came to heal and to really heal...but we aren't perfect yet!) ....but listen to this please!

"There is no use in talking as if forgiveness were easy. We all know the old joke, 'You've given up smoking once; I've given it up a dozen times.' In the same way I could say of a certain man, "Have I forgiven him for what he did that day? I've forgiven him more times than I can count." For we find that the work of forgiveness has to be done over and over again. We forgive, we mortify our resentment; a week later some chain of thought carries us back to the original offense and we discover the old resentment blazing away as if nothing had been done about it at all. We need to forgive our brother seven times seven not only for 490 offenses but for one offense." C.S. Lewis

When I read this.....it was like fireworks went off.....you mean...just because I forgave someone once and it comes up again in my heart...I am not crazy! But, God is going to give me the grace...each time it comes up to forgive again! Whew hoo!!! God doesn't tell us to forgive 70 x 7 if he isn't gonna give us the grace to do it!It was the most freeing thing to know that I don't have to stuff feelings down like there is something wrong with me telling myself "why cant you let it go...you already forgave this?!" Satan can no longer bring me down telling me I'm not a good christian because I have had to forgive for the same thing more than once.....Oh hallelujah....God will help my heart forgive each time it comes back to me! Thank you God! :) But my prayer is....that one day certain things may not come up again...that I wont find anymore feelings of resentment...but until then...God will give me grace to forgive one more time in my heart:) Thank you Lord!

Here is the parable that explains why we should forgive and how many times:

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[f]
23"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents[g] was brought to him. 25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii.[h] He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
29"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
30"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."


I know this has been a messy post...but I hope that maybe someone else needed to hear that....God has forgiven us a great debt... even if we find ourselves forgiving the same offense in our heart over and over..... His love covers a multitude of sins :)

Love you and goodnight!

Sarah

Rotten watermelon everywhere!

This past weekend I bought a watermelon from our local grocery. It is summertime and all I could think was, this is gonna be such a sweet treat on a hot & sunny aftenoon! All that sweet, red, juicy fruit, yummmm! When I got home, I put it on our countertop to save for just the right afternoon.

Well, things didn't go quite to my plan.....I woke up this morning to my kitchen painted with red watermelon! I guess the bottom of the watermelon had rotted over the weekend and its sweet red juice and seed were all over my counters, white cabinets running into a huge puddle in the middle of my kitchen floor! I am barely even functioning in the morning ....so cleaning a crazy combusting watermelon off of my kitchen surfaces doesn't work well with my schedule!

But....out the came the papertowels and wash cloths...and I went to town cleaning. I'll even have to do some mopping when I get back from work.



Isn't that like life. We have such good intentions! Something that should be a wonderful treat...surprises us by rotting and messing all over our lives, and really it just messes up our whole routine....but out come the paper towels (tissues), wash cloths (friends)....maybe even some mopping with bleach and pine sol...(a little time bawling before God...forgiveness....and letting go). You just have to clean things up, so you can get back to life:)



I dont know how well this analogy breaks down...but it made sense in my head!



I guess the main reason I wanted to start this blog was to open up the pages of my life and let people see God's grace at work in my mistakes, my fun, my dreams, my fears, and my plans. I am hoping to be very transparent and hopefully inspire others to a relationship with Jesus. There is a verse in Ecclesiastes that says "He makes everything beautiful in its time". Let me tell you....anything beautiful that God has bloomed in my life...is by His grace, even if I fought it, worked for it, hoped for it, cried for it, laughed at it, didnt understand it..... ...He is the giver of every good and perfect gift. I am His...so even the trials and turmoil have been his grace purifying my pridefulness and sinfulness....to make me a pure and spotless bride of Christ when we (the church) meet him in heaven. His heart is always to restore us to him....his grace is good and it is anything that brings us back to Him or makes us more like Him.